Letter from Warlock: How to Get the Most Out of Your Play Sessions

A common problem in D/s relationships is that of disappearing play sessions. The common thing reported is that everything will be great for the first year or two -- love-making three to five times a week, frequent play sessions, etc. -- then gradually the play would stop and the love making would dwindle to once or twice a week. Sometimes the Dom stops enforcing his rules and the relationship becomes essentially vanilla.

Something similar actually happens in vanilla relationships. The old story was that if you put a penny in a jar every time you made love the first five years, then took one out every time you made love from then on you'd never deplete the jar.

Even in a healthy Master/slave relationship play can start to be a low priority for the Master. For example, my last slave and I were in an intense “High Protocol-Ritualistic D/s” relationship. Relationships like this are very fulfilling – my slave was often in subspace from the few minutes after she woke up until we went to bed. The problem was that the D/s, protocol, rituals and service were so fulfilling that I actually found myself often not doing play sessions with her for weeks at a time though we did make love every day. I finally realized I had to discipline myself to do at least one long, heavy play session per week whether I felt like it or not because we both needed that interaction..

And in practice, I found that no matter what I felt like before we started I got into it and enjoyed it after a few minutes. My experience has been that it helps the relationship to consistently play every week.

I also found myself letting her get off with warnings instead of punishment for minor infractions, especially when I was in a good mood didn’t work well at all. Now I give one or two warnings a day then punish for every infraction no matter how mild. I find it’s better to punish for infractions even when her intentions are good, weird as that sounds. I don’t like doing it but I find it works better in the long run, especially when coupled with praising her for her good intentions.

I also changed my rituals for bedtime and morning to include the slave being spanked, so that if she spends the night with me she gets spanked twice a day no matter what else we do. I also created a ritual where I walk up to her at odd times tell her to get into the Present position and give her a quick spanking.

A related problem in relationships, both vanilla and D/s, is predictability. Predictability, of course, leads to boredom. There are a number of books on how to keep relationships lively and interesting in a vanilla context. In a D/s context, some of those will work but some won't.

In a D/s situation (clearly for the Dom, and somewhat for the slave) the obvious solution is to be unpredictable. In terms of being a Dom, one of the things to watch out for is that if you have rituals. Be mindful that the rituals don't become routines. Routines are things you do that aren’t meaningful any more; you’re just going through the motions. That’s just plain bad. Rituals can put slaves right into subspace and they should always have a positive effect on their headspace – that’s what they’re usually for although some can be solely for the Dom’s pleasure.

If the ritual is still lighting your slave up, making her feel good, getting her into sub space, then of course continue with it. If, however, you notice that she isn't focusing as much while she's doing it, if you see signs that her mind's elsewhere, then it's a good time to change it. And of course if you're getting bored with it, then by all means change it.

One way of doing this without changing it yourself, is to get your slave focused on making it her own. Allow her to make slight changes in it (with your permission of course) in order to make it more meaningful to her and make it more graceful and artistic. This idea comes from Master Orpheus, one of the most innovative Doms around. He has his slaves practice their positions together frequently. The positions are arranged so they flow into each other like the moves of a dance. He encourages them to help each other do them correctly, and to look for ways to make them smoother and more beautiful.

Which raises the point: If possible, ask other friends what they do and change the rituals and protocols if they have good ideas. Be creative as you go along, not just when you start.

In general, do the unexpected.

For example, I keep my slave naked at all times while she's in the house so I can simply walk into the room she's in make her bend over and give her a quick spanking or fondle her without any warning or warm-up. Or… you use your imagination *grins*.

If it's practical, occasionally when you come home from an outing, have her take her clothes off in the car and carry them into the house. It's best to do this in the backyard, not the front yard.

Another thing is to have her strip in the car as you drive along the freeway. Of course, there will be truckers that can see down into the car but nobody said the life of a submissive has to be easy. LOL. And you might want to observe the speed limit as being pulled over by the police might be might be awkward if she can't get dressed quickly enough.

Or have her kneel for you in the grocery store aisle or in front of a restaurant or any other quiet, public area. I actually had Kitten kneel for me on the airport terminal sidewalk with people all around. If she's a little unruly in a store or mall I march her out to the parking lot and spank her right there.

Master Orpheus is known to wait to three in the morning to punish a slave, waking her up out of a deep sleep.

Something else that can break the routine a little bit, is to have a "hard discipline day" occasionally. It's usually best to spring this without any warning. On a day like that, you would give her stringent time limits to clean the house flawlessly, disciplining her harshly for every offense, no matter how minor. The idea would be to keep her running all day, and to make her serve you perfectly.

In play, one problem I see is that we tend to pretty much use the same toys over and over again, and in the same play spaces. Probably everyone is aware of how playing with a toy you haven't played with in years or haven't ever played with will stimulate your creativity and imagination. Likewise, playing in a new space can have the same effect.

If you're like me, you have lots of toys in the closet that you haven't used in years, or have forgotten are there.

One way of getting around this is the "sticker" exercise. What you do is put a sticker on every toy you use and don't use that toy again until you've used all the toys. Then you play with just what you can find in the bathroom; the living room; and the kitchen. At that point, you can start over with the toys.

Another alternative is to blindfold your slave, put work gloves on her, and have her pick out six implements at random. Then play with those implements the next two play sessions.

Yet another way of bringing variety into your play is the "use what's lying around" exercise. In this exercise, you play only with what you can find in the kitchen, or only what you can find in the bathroom. It's surprising how versatile a rubber kitchen spatula or a bamboo skewer can be.

Another technique is to write down on cards any ideas you get for little surprises. Keep them where she can’t snoop. Every week, shuffle them and pull out a couple of cards. Do those that week, then put them back in the deck. In fact, why don’t we pool our ideas on the Blog?

Along the same line for punishment you can make up a bunch of cards, a set each for Mild, Medium, and Serious if you want. Again, keep them where she can’t snoop or discard the ones she hates. Make her shuffle them and draw one. Personally, I include in the mix ones she’s really going to hate. That makes the Ritual of picking a card somewhat like making her go out to the yard and cut a switch, it adds to the anticipation and apprehension. (by the way, that’s on one of the cards – and if it’s not thick enough, I make her go cut another LOL)

I think we Doms sometimes just have to discipline ourselves to do what it takes for the good of the relationship -- even if we're tired or don't feel like it.