I have noticed a high frequency of discussions on various blogs and websites concerning sex and BDSM play. The question is whether there should be sex during BSDM play or not. This seems like a question of preference but it drills to the core of BDSM. Why do people get involved in BDSM?
It is usually not for the sex. Sex is easy to retrieve. You meet someone at a bar and go home with him it is likely that you will be having sex and not getting tied up and spanked. Sex is essential at times in our life but it is unimaginative. For that reason I think sex jars with the BDSM repertoire. However, if you watch BDSM porn (and there is plenty on the internet) you will notice that there is usually sex that takes place during the course of the film. Granted it is sex in creative positions and it is sex that is highly ritualized and stylized. I am not sure why the BDSM porn creators feel the need to insert sex into every segment. Undoubtedly they feel it is something that the audience craves. But there are negative and positive aspects to having sex during a BDSM session.
I met Katharine (not her real name) at a Starbucks in Los Angeles. She has been in the BDSM world for over a decade. She is a submissive who works part-time at a dungeon. Given her paid position at the dungeon sex is not acceptable. In fact, it would be illegal. But Katharine believes that even if sex were allowed she would not want to have sex during a play session.
It is usually not for the sex. Sex is easy to retrieve. You meet someone at a bar and go home with him it is likely that you will be having sex and not getting tied up and spanked. Sex is essential at times in our life but it is unimaginative. For that reason I think sex jars with the BDSM repertoire. However, if you watch BDSM porn (and there is plenty on the internet) you will notice that there is usually sex that takes place during the course of the film. Granted it is sex in creative positions and it is sex that is highly ritualized and stylized. I am not sure why the BDSM porn creators feel the need to insert sex into every segment. Undoubtedly they feel it is something that the audience craves. But there are negative and positive aspects to having sex during a BDSM session.
I met Katharine (not her real name) at a Starbucks in Los Angeles. She has been in the BDSM world for over a decade. She is a submissive who works part-time at a dungeon. Given her paid position at the dungeon sex is not acceptable. In fact, it would be illegal. But Katharine believes that even if sex were allowed she would not want to have sex during a play session.
Interviewer: Why would you not want to have sex?
Katharine: Taking away the element of sex forces the BDSM session to be more intense and creative. Sex is lazy. BDSM acts are not.
Interviewer: So you separate sex from BDSM?
Katharine: Absolutely. I am not rejecting sex altogether. I am just rejecting when it gets mixed with BDSM. Sex is wonderful and it can definitely increase the intimacy and closeness between two people. But pleasure is not just derived from sex. There are many things that are pleasurable. To expect every interaction with your partner to lead to sex opens the door to routine and boredom. BDSM is the opposite of routine. BDSM is about ritual and service. BDSM exists on a different realm than sex. I am not even sure they are on equal levels. I am drawn far more to BDSM than sex.
Interviewer: When might sex be appropriate during a BDSM session?
Katharine: I don’t think sex is ever appropriate during a BDSM session. Well…maybe sex might be appropriate if it was offered as a reward for suffering. But you see…sex becomes part of the ritualized world of BDSM when it occurs during a session. Sex does not occur because the dominant cannot think of anything else to do. Sex occurs because it is interwoven into the BDSM play. So in this instance, sex is appropriate during a BDSM session. But even then, I would use it sparingly as a reward.
Interviewer: So what is the problem with sex during a session?
Katharine: Like I said, it just isn’t creative enough. I think couples could derive a lot more pleasure out of BDSM sessions if they removed the sex factor. Likewise, I think couples might derive greater satisfaction from sex if they kept it separated from BDSM sessions. Sex is wonderful but it seems to be the opposite of BDSM play. BDSM play involves a different kind of intimacy.
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